The Dolphins made the playoffs, which means that I’ll be dusting off my Dan Marino and Ricky Williams jerseys. I’m confident that they can compete with the Ravens this Sunday. After that? Well… it was nice to make the playoffs.
And now what you’ve all been waiting for… Another one of these obnoxious year-end lists! That’s right, folks, I’m not above being predictable and boring! (Somehow, though, I thought selling out would land me more money…) So here they are: the ten most obnoxiously over-reported sports stories from this past year.
Honorable Mentions (Sorta makes you wonder why I didn’t just make it a “top 12”):
The Poll Page on This Site. No one seems to care. Big shock there.
My Wedding. While not technically a sports story, let me say that this imminent disaster has been getting far too much coverage this year. You’ll come. You’ll pay tribute to my fiancée Kennedy and me (hopefully in the form of a large check). You’ll eat. You’ll dance. You’ll leave. No biggie. Don’t believe the hype.
The Actual List:
10 - One NBA Player Goes Overseas. Okay, fine… so technically a handful of mediocre NBA players went overseas this season to play, but many experts were panicking that LeBron James or Kobe Bryant would be next. What? The reason these players jumped was because they’re not that good and can make a ton of money in talent-starved Europe. The best players in this league will never go elsewhere. Never.
9 – The Stephon Marbury Circus. (I’m especially guilty of talking about this one.) The story is pretty weak if you think about it: Overpaid and overrated athlete whines about team and gets sent home. ::YAWN:: (Side Note: That ridiculous tattoo on the side of his head, however, is getting woefully under-reported.)
8 – All Favre, All the Time. Enough already. He was a great player once and is now just a mediocre one. Far be it from me to suggest that this guy should just leave us all alone. What I will suggest, however, is that he go back home and never come back. His outlandish “will I, won’t I” shtick is more tired than my “far be it from me” refrain.
7 - The Steroid Hearings and All That Junk that Happened on Capitol Hill. This thing got people all wrapped up for no good reason. Sure there were some big names out there – Clemens, Pettitte, Bonds, McNamee – but what actually got accomplished? (And fine, that last one is a bit of a stretch.) I’ve said this before, Dear Readers: As far as I’m concerned, each and every player that spent time in the big leagues from 1996 until 2003 used steroids. My favorite players, the players I hated the most – all of them. Let’s move on. (How’s that for a generalization? Sometimes I even amaze myself.)
6 – The College Football Playoff Structure (or Lack Thereof). Note to commander-in-chief-elect Obama: The position you will be taking over shortly is that of a glorified figurehead. Don’t believe you have any actual power beyond throwing out first pitches. (In fact – if the last eight years are any indicator – Joe Biden will have approximately twice as much power as you will.) So leave the BCS system alone and move onto something else that you have no hope of fixing like, oh I don’t know, the economy.
5 – The Juice Gets Squeezed. A part of me believes that this story is both talked about too much and not enough. Too much in the sense that the guy probably should’ve been in jail a long time ago and not enough because, well… it’s freakin’ OJ. I’ll be happy to never hear about this clown again. (Unless, of course, I’m watching The Naked Gun on DVD.)
4 – The Atlanta Falcons Miraculous “Turn-Around.” I didn’t actually look up the stats on this stuff (because that would have required research), but I’m tired of all these people who say, “The Falcons have made the most impressive comeback this season.” Their roster is almost completely different from what it was a year ago. They’ve added a new coach, a QB (who won rookie of the year), and a highly priced new running back. Don’t get me wrong, I’m fine with the Falcons being good, but this is less “old team overcomes adversity” and more “new team is pretty good.”
3 – Plaxico Burress Goes on a Shooting Spree… in his Pants. To me this is a less serious story than it’s been portrayed to be. C’mon… the guy tucked a loaded gun into his sweat pants and forgot to put the safety on. (It’s a routine that even Charlie Chaplin would be proud of.) Still, this got an absurd amount of play on everyone’s favorite cable sports network. At some point, though, it just became too much. I shot myself in the thigh three times in one week a few years ago and no one even thought twice about it.
2 - Some Dude Wins 8 Gold Medals. I already know what you’re thinking: “What an un-American pig!” (I’ve been called worse – one time at the Customer Service desk some lady called me an “overwhelmed brat.” Now that stung.) Did I miss the part where we’re supposed to care about swimming? It’s not like this Phelps character won the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest or something. It’s not like he plays baseball or basketball. Heck… the guy doesn’t even play hockey. Get back to me when he can throw a perfect spiral between two lunging defenders.
1 – LeBron James Might Play for the Knicks at Some Point in the Future… Maybe. Are we seriously that desperate for sports news that we need to speculate two full years in advance? The saddest part is that the Cavs are playing well, but no one ever mentions it. Instead we get these circumstantial ”Yankee hat” stories and silly innuendoes. Forgive me for not being enthralled by the 2010 NBA free agent market just yet, but it occurs to me that never before has there been a countdown to someone being unemployed. (Disclaimer: The preceding statement is not entirely true as I actually held a countdown before becoming unemployed a few months ago. It was exciting. Sadly, the Knicks have yet to make me an offer.)
Posted by Christopher Sacco
Victims of Their Own Stupidity
September 19, 2008Far be it from me to tell people what should or should not offend them, but Tony Kornheiser’s innocuous remark on Monday night was meant to be a shot at his own inadequate comprehension of Spanish and not any ethnic stereotype. To be honest, I’m not sure how one could possibly misconstrue his comment as being insensitive. Even if you think he’s the worst announcer on the planet (which most people seem to), accusing him of being insulting the one time he doesn’t mean to be seems like a cheap shot. (And this is coming from me – The King of Cheap Shots. If I’m telling you to back-off, then it’s probably a good idea. Although I should add the disclaimer that my opinions on all-things Kornheiser tend to be biased.)
Speaking of Monday Night Football, everyone who’s anybody has been bashing DeSean Jackson for dropping the ball in celebration before he actually… you know… scored. So I’ve decided to give him a break. And by “give him a break,” I actually mean “pile on.” It was sad to see that anyone could be that dumb. Until ESPN starting showing that high school clip of Jackson fumbling the ball while attempting to cartwheel into the endzone, at which point the situation went from sad to hilarious. At least what Leon Lett did years ago was due to a combination of foolishness and Don BeeBe’s speed. (Side Note: Remember how fast BeeBe was on Madden ‘94? If you were controlling the Bills, he was an automatic touchdown on kick returns.) This repeat offender is merely a victim of his own stupidity. And talk about declining creativity… the first time he robbed his team of a touchdown he was doing something acrobatic and impressive. This last time he just dropped the ball.
Jackson is not alone, however, in his boneheadedness (probably not a word). What were the two nearby Cowboy defenders – which included inmate #21, Pacman Jones – thinking about when they decided not to jump on the ball? You’d figure that someone named “Pacman” would’ve gobbled that ball up as though a blue ghost were chasing him (see what I did there?). And while we’re at it, why did the referees blow the whistle in the first place? It was clearly a fumble and they stopped the play far too soon. (This seems to be a growing epidemic. See below for more on that.) So you see what Jackson’s idiocy caused? A chain reaction of moronic events that would make even our commander in chief ashamed of its occurrence (that’s right, I went there).
(Extended Side Note: This entire debacle is reminiscent of a something I experienced while playing quarterback during a game of touch football. I had eluded a defender in the backfield (after a rather quick 5-Mississippi count, I might add) and dodged two others before ducking out of bounds at the first-down garbage can. Needless to say, I was pounding my chest and loudly proclaiming myself “MVP.” It was then explained to me that quarterbacks were only allowed to scramble if the defender had blitzed. The result? A loss of a down as well as a tiny piece of my short-supplied dignity.)
It’s nice to see that Chad Pennington has picked up the Miami Dolphins offense so quickly:
Resuming the blunder portion of this post, ripped-ref Ed Hochuli made a call so bad on Sunday that it will likely cost him any chance of officiating a playoff game this winter. We all agree that the call was awful, the interpretation of the rule stinks, and the Chargers got hosed. What I don’t agree with it is all the “experts” who say, “Hochuli made a mistake, but he’s still one of the best officials out there.” Based on what? There are only a bunch of head referees (the ones who get airtime to announce the calls) in professional football, so what quantifiable measure can we (the viewing public) or they (the media) have of determining which ones are good and which are bad? You know why they say that? Because Ed Hochuli is one of the few officials everyone knows because he has distinct visible characteristics (i.e. his guns). It would be like me saying that Steve Jabby is a better NBA official than Dick Bavetta because Jabby has better hair. (Which, while true, hardly seems fair.)
Lastly, let me clarify something for you: this year’s Mets collapse is nowhere near as big a disaster as last year’s. While it will be disappointing if they don’t make the playoffs, they never had the same type of divisional lead this year and were all but forgotten at the midway point of the season anyway. Furthermore, the Wild Card is still a real possibility. So at least wait until our next shut-out loss to the Nationals before you close that coffin. And don’t worry… you won’t have to wait too long…