On a Fin and a Prayer

The Dolphins made the playoffs, which means that I’ll be dusting off my Dan Marino and Ricky Williams jerseys. I’m confident that they can compete with the Ravens this Sunday. After that? Well… it was nice to make the playoffs.

And now what you’ve all been waiting for… Another one of these obnoxious year-end lists! That’s right, folks, I’m not above being predictable and boring! (Somehow, though, I thought selling out would land me more money…) So here they are: the ten most obnoxiously over-reported sports stories from this past year.

Honorable Mentions (Sorta makes you wonder why I didn’t just make it a “top 12”):

The Poll Page on This Site. No one seems to care. Big shock there.

My Wedding. While not technically a sports story, let me say that this imminent disaster has been getting far too much coverage this year. You’ll come. You’ll pay tribute to my fiancée Kennedy and me (hopefully in the form of a large check). You’ll eat. You’ll dance. You’ll leave. No biggie. Don’t believe the hype.

The Actual List:

10 - One NBA Player Goes Overseas. Okay, fine… so technically a handful of mediocre NBA players went overseas this season to play, but many experts were panicking that LeBron James or Kobe Bryant would be next. What? The reason these players jumped was because they’re not that good and can make a ton of money in talent-starved Europe. The best players in this league will never go elsewhere. Never.

9 – The Stephon Marbury Circus. (I’m especially guilty of talking about this one.) The story is pretty weak if you think about it: Overpaid and overrated athlete whines about team and gets sent home. ::YAWN:: (Side Note: That ridiculous tattoo on the side of his head, however, is getting woefully under-reported.)

8 – All Favre, All the Time. Enough already. He was a great player once and is now just a mediocre one. Far be it from me to suggest that this guy should just leave us all alone. What I will suggest, however, is that he go back home and never come back. His outlandish “will I, won’t I” shtick is more tired than my “far be it from me” refrain.

7 - The Steroid Hearings and All That Junk that Happened on Capitol Hill. This thing got people all wrapped up for no good reason. Sure there were some big names out there – Clemens, Pettitte, Bonds, McNamee – but what actually got accomplished? (And fine, that last one is a bit of a stretch.) I’ve said this before, Dear Readers: As far as I’m concerned, each and every player that spent time in the big leagues from 1996 until 2003 used steroids. My favorite players, the players I hated the most – all of them. Let’s move on. (How’s that for a generalization? Sometimes I even amaze myself.)

6 – The College Football Playoff Structure (or Lack Thereof). Note to commander-in-chief-elect Obama: The position you will be taking over shortly is that of a glorified figurehead. Don’t believe you have any actual power beyond throwing out first pitches. (In fact – if the last eight years are any indicator – Joe Biden will have approximately twice as much power as you will.) So leave the BCS system alone and move onto something else that you have no hope of fixing like, oh I don’t know, the economy.

5 – The Juice Gets Squeezed. A part of me believes that this story is both talked about too much and not enough. Too much in the sense that the guy probably should’ve been in jail a long time ago and not enough because, well… it’s freakin’ OJ. I’ll be happy to never hear about this clown again. (Unless, of course, I’m watching The Naked Gun on DVD.)

4 – The Atlanta Falcons Miraculous “Turn-Around.” I didn’t actually look up the stats on this stuff (because that would have required research), but I’m tired of all these people who say, “The Falcons have made the most impressive comeback this season.” Their roster is almost completely different from what it was a year ago. They’ve added a new coach, a QB (who won rookie of the year), and a highly priced new running back. Don’t get me wrong, I’m fine with the Falcons being good, but this is less “old team overcomes adversity” and more “new team is pretty good.”

3 – Plaxico Burress Goes on a Shooting Spree… in his Pants. To me this is a less serious story than it’s been portrayed to be. C’mon… the guy tucked a loaded gun into his sweat pants and forgot to put the safety on. (It’s a routine that even Charlie Chaplin would be proud of.) Still, this got an absurd amount of play on everyone’s favorite cable sports network. At some point, though, it just became too much. I shot myself in the thigh three times in one week a few years ago and no one even thought twice about it.

2 - Some Dude Wins 8 Gold Medals. I already know what you’re thinking: “What an un-American pig!” (I’ve been called worse – one time at the Customer Service desk some lady called me an “overwhelmed brat.” Now that stung.) Did I miss the part where we’re supposed to care about swimming? It’s not like this Phelps character won the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest or something. It’s not like he plays baseball or basketball. Heck… the guy doesn’t even play hockey. Get back to me when he can throw a perfect spiral between two lunging defenders.

1 – LeBron James Might Play for the Knicks at Some Point in the Future… Maybe. Are we seriously that desperate for sports news that we need to speculate two full years in advance? The saddest part is that the Cavs are playing well, but no one ever mentions it. Instead we get these circumstantial ”Yankee hat” stories and silly innuendoes. Forgive me for not being enthralled by the 2010 NBA free agent market just yet, but it occurs to me that never before has there been a countdown to someone being unemployed. (Disclaimer: The preceding statement is not entirely true as I actually held a countdown before becoming unemployed a few months ago. It was exciting. Sadly, the Knicks have yet to make me an offer.)

Welcome Back, My Friends, to the Show That Never Ends

I took some time off for one of America’s most meaningful holidays (a statement rich with my trademark sarcasm), so I thought I give you a rundown of some of the stuff I’ve been unable to cover in the last few weeks. After you’ve read this magical post, boost my ego further by voting on this week’s poll (click the “Polls” tab to find it).

The Knicks traded their entire roster just to clear up cap/locker-room for LeBron James when his Cavalier contract is up in 2010. They’re down to like six players and the waterboy and yet they still won’t play Stephon Marbury.

After admitting that he knows less about the rules of football than any twelve year old who’s played Madden, Donovan McNabb got benched and has subsequently led the Eagles to two consecutive wins. Neither of the wins, however, occurred in overtime.

The simple-minded masses proclaimed the Jets as the elite team in the AFC after they beat the Patriots in Foxboro. Then the Jets threw up a few clunkers and now find themselves in three-way tie for first place. One more loss, and their playoff chances are gone. (Side Note: I forgot what it was like to actually have a rooting interest in football games. For so long it’s been “doesn’t matter to me because the Dolphins can’t get in.” These last few weeks, I’ve found myself passionately rooting against the Jets and the Pats, which is a nice change of pace from the indifference of recent years past.)

CitiField is looking to sneak out of their naming rights deal with the new Mets on the new ballpark in Queens because of that whole “crazily expensive buyout that we’re all paying for” thing. A few New York councilmen said that the stadium should be called “Citi/Taxpayers Field.” I laughed for a second and then decided that it would have been funnier if they had suggested it be called “Bailout Ballpark.” Just my opinion. Feel free to agree.

The Giants lost a game at home and still clinched their division, thus making my “no playoff” prediction for them look even more idiotic.

Elisha Cuthbert, who was stalked by a mountain lion for the first three seasons of TV’s 24, was thrust into the sports world after her NHL ex-boyfriend Steve Avery took an unnecessary cheap shot at her. Avery was suspended six games by the NHL, but what the league should have done was give him their MVP award for actually getting hockey mentioned in one of my posts.

The Bad News: An NFL player foolishly shot himself in the leg with an unregistered gun and found himself suspended for the foreseeable future. The Good News: It was a Giant.

It seems they finally got around to putting O.J. Simpson in prison. While this seems a decade or so overdue, I can’t help but feel that his sentence is too long. How can someone convicted of armed robbery get a maximum of 33 years in prison when no one was hurt? Sure, most right-thinking people believe that he got away with murder some time ago, but the punishment for this crime seems like a bit much. I don’t feel any sympathy for him, mind you, just making an observation. (Another Side Note: I’ve already started writing the pilot for my newest sitcom idea. It’s about two former star athletes who find themselves in prison – one for murder/armed robbery and one for dog fighting – and all the wackiness that ensues. Sound exploitative? Maybe, but I’m sure Fox will pick it up.)

And I’ll end with some brand new news on the hometown-front: The Mets have a new closer. I, for one, think that over spending on relief pitchers is something of a bad idea, but considering how bad the Mets bullpen has been recently, I guess GM Omar Minaya felt he had no choice. The price isn’t that bad either. The main problem with the pick-up of a lights-out closer is that the Mets haven’t done anything yet to sure up the middle of their bullpen, which, for those of you who watched a fair amount of Mets baseball last year, was the main problem. Still, Francisco Rodriguez is better than that outlandish “closer by committee” thing we tried last September….

As for the other new pitcher in town, let me say that I have always been a big CC Sabathia fan (except for the way he cocks his hat to one side… never dug that…). I love his stuff, love the way he takes the ball whenever you ask him too, and love that he’ll eat up a ton of innings. I even like his personality in interviews, even though that doesn’t really say much about the content of one’s character. Of course, Dear Readers, all that was before he became a Yankee. Now I hope he blows out his arm in spring training.

Welcome to New York.

McNabb Must’ve Thought It Was a No-Tie Affair

Well, Dear Readers, the unthinkable is finally about to happen… After fifteen years of work and millions of dollars in expenses, Guns N’ Roses will finally release their Chinese Democracy album next Tuesday. Music lovers rejoice.

By a show of hands, was anyone else painfully amused by the call (or lack-thereof) at the end of the Steelers/Chargers game? No one else? Just me? Here’s a quick recap: The Chargers needed a miracle so they call that lame “hook and ladder” play where you throw the ball all over the place and hope that the Stanford Band runs onto the field and creates enough of a diversion for you to score. (Side Note: It’s not called “hook and lateral,” either. That’s a misunderstanding of the phrase’s origin, which has its roots in spelunking. Look it up if you don’t believe me.)

Anyway, the ball gets knocked down and hippie-haircutted Troy Polamalu dives on it for a touchdown. Or did he? A series of odd explanations then occurred. It went something like this: “We still have to attempt the point-after.” [Both teams line up for an extra point attempt. The referee once again triggers his microphone.] “On second thought, we’re gonna review this thing for seemingly no reason.” [He reviews.] “As it turns out, there was an illegal forward pass on the play. That penalty has been declined. The play results in a touchdown.” [Raises his arms in the air, signaling a touchdown. Pause.] “Check that. Since the non-illegal backward toss that occurred after the illegal forward pass hit the ground, the play is actually dead.” [At this point, it appears that the referee is about to signal “touchdown” again, but instead he just grabs the bill of his cap as if to say, “Yikes… really screwed the pooch on this one.” He turns his mike on again.] “Since there is no time left, the game is over.”

And what does it all matter, you ask? A bunch of degenerate gamblers lost some money because that meaningless touchdown would’ve made the Steelers cover the spread. To my way of thinking, they should just be quiet about it. It serves them right for gambling in the first place. (Although had my fantasy team been affected by that play, someone would’ve gotten hurt.)

I’m gonna go off a little bit here, Dear Readers, and it’s about the concept of the Most Valuable Player in sports. Albert Pujols won the National League’s version of this award the other day. His team, the St. Louis Cardinals, finished fourth in their division and were about as close to making the playoffs as I am to being a billionaire. He might be the most valuable player on his team, but his team stunk, so who cares? Isn’t the award supposed to be given to be the most valuable player in the entire league? If you take away Pujols from the Cardinals and replace him with, say, me, I’m pretty sure they would stink just as badly. Take someone like Aramis Ramirez off of the Cubs and they don’t even come close to winning their division. (In fact, taking Aramis Ramirez off of the Cubs might actually cause the Cardinals to win that division.) The MVP in all sports should come from a team that either made the playoffs or at least seriously contended for a spot. My vote this year would’ve been for Manny “ManRam” Ramirez, who single handedly carried a mediocre Dodgers team into the playoffs.

It looks like the Mets won’t be resigning Pedro Martinez this off-season. To which I say, “Adios, Pedro. Thanks for the four good months you gave us over the last three years.”

Maybe I’m just being a know-it-all again (something I’ve become notorious for), but how in the world can a professional football player not know that it is possible for a game to end in a tie? I’m sure you’ve all heard that after the Eagles and Bengals played to a draw last Sunday, Philadelphia quarterback Donovan McNabb commented that he was unaware games could end this way and expressed concern over what the reaction would be if a Super Bowl or playoff game ended in a tie. Well, Donnie, playoff games can’t end in a tie, so I’m not too worried about that. What does worry me, however, is that someone getting paid millions of bucks to play this game never bothered to learn its rules. I have never played football on any level above the “bunch of losers playing in a park level” and even I knew this. Aren’t you expected to know the ins and outs of the profession you’re in? Let’s say you work at Taco Bell, isn’t it in your best interest to understand what time the restaurant – and I use that term loosely – closes so you don’t make too many of those cinnamon twist things? And it doesn’t matter to me that 50% of the league doesn’t know this rule (as Ben Roethlisberger later suggested). It’s still embarrassing. Don’t they ever check out the standings in a newspaper? Do they ignore that little “T” next to the “L” in the record column? Shouldn’t they strive to discover what it stands for? Just my opinion. Feel free to agree.

And the Headline Read: “Starbury Buried”

If you don’t mind, could you clarify something for me? Isn’t the object of most sporting competitions to win all of the games that you play? With the exception of college football and its illogical “style points” (which are apparently earned by blowing out bad teams and wearing cups that match your helmet), shouldn’t it be most important to not lose? It seems clear, then, that at this point in the season the Tennessee Titans are the best team in football. Before you accuse me of “Giant-bashing,” allow me to defend my claim: The Titans haven’t lost yet. Not once. Not even a little. Need more proof? The Giants only loss came to the Cleveland Browns; a team with a losing record that has just benched their quarterback in favor of an untested one. (If style points were included, this would hurt the Giants… and those awful red jerseys wouldn’t help either.) And this has nothing to do with the fact that I predicted a dismal season for the Giants after Osi Umenyiora went down for the year; it’s honestly the way I feel about these things. The minute the Titans lose a game, they’ll no longer be the best team in the league. The Carolina Panthers will be.

Off the top of your head (and without any assistance from the internet), can you name the team in first place of the NHL’s Southeast Division? Didn’t think so.

During a game between the Toronto Raptors and Boston Celtics last week, Kevin Garnett and José Calderón got into an amusing taunting match. KG (a notorious trash-talker) was riding Calderón all game – yelling stuff at him, hand-checking him, tapping Calderón’s chin, etc. Calderón responded by screaming back and pounding his chest after a big assist late in the game. Some analysts are calling them amateurish and even going as far as to say that Garnett should have been given a technical foul for his actions. What do I think, you ask? I think it’s reprehensible. Of course by “reprehensible,” I actually mean “hilarious.” C’mon, folks, lighten up. This is the same stuff I used to do at pick-up games down at Country Lane Park. It’s not like an Artestian brawl ensued… it’s just part of the game. To see athletes still having fun at the professional level is really a treat. (This is what makes Brett Favre’s youthful exuberance so endearing.) I, for one, support this behavior whole-heartedly.

(Side Note: I don’t play basketball so much anymore, mostly because I can’t seem to find a bunch of people my age to play with. (Disclaimer: While the preceding statement is true, it is also true that my lack of athletic ability and steady weight-gain over the last few years may also have contributed to this fact. When I wear basketball shorts, I look less like a 25 year-old athlete and more like a tightly wrapped turkey.))

Speaking of the NBA, I can’t be the only one who finds this Stephon Marbury thing completely disgraceful. Of course by “disgraceful,” I once again mean “hilarious.” Instead of “Starbury,” maybe his new nickname should be “Benchbury.”

I’d like to take this time to congratulate Willie Randolph on his new job as bench coach of the Milwaukee Brewers. I wish him the best of luck on his road back to becoming the manager of a major league team. (Do you think he was aware that there is zero chance that CC Sabathia signs there when he took the job? Just a thought…)

I’ll leave you, Dear Readers, with my feelings on the hodge-podge that is the AFC East. Call it parity, call it what you will (I call it “Tom Brady got hurt and now everyone’s sorta mediocre”), but it’s nice to see some actual competition in this division. The Bills have fallen back to where I thought they’d be – an 8- or 9-win team – and the Patriots are on track to win the division once more. The real surprise has been my Miami Dolphins. Who could’ve guessed that ol’ “Powder Puff” Pennington, Ronnie “Don’t Call Me Ronald” Brown, and “THC” Ricky would have a winning record halfway through the year? Pennington is second in the league is passer rating and is having a Pro Bowl season. (You remember the Pro Bowl, right? It’s that meaningless game played after the season. It’s about as relevant to football as passer rating is to determining the quality of a quarterback.) I still don’t have them making the playoffs, but it’s really exciting that games in November and December will actual matter to those of us old enough to remember a time when the Dolphins dominated this division.

And very quickly: The Jets have a real shot at making the playoffs, but slow down on the predictions for Thursday night victory in Foxboro. My former brother (former because he moved to enemy territory in New England) is calling tomorrow night’s game a lock for Gang Green. I’m fairly confident that the Patriots will win this game, but in a division so tight, can we say with conviction that any victory is assured?

I guess like most questions today, the answer is: Yes, we can.

My Major League Report Card and a Patriotic Plea

So the Pistons trade their most reliable big-man in addition to the main component of their championship team from three years ago for an aging guard that is well past his prime. Good move. Sometimes I wonder why I didn’t major in “General Management” while at college. I think I could excel at tanking professional sports franchises.

The time has come to grade those predictions I made at the start of the baseball season. As I’m sure you can imagine, I didn’t do so well…

1 -   The Boston Red Sox will start the season 1-1 and will win the AL East.

Result: Half right, but I cheated by predicting this after they were already 1-1. We’ll call this a “wrong.”

2 -   During at least one point this season, Jose Reyes will lead the Major Leagues in both runs scored and stolen bases.

Result: Nope.

3 -   Derek Jeter and Mariano Rivera will both have seasons that indicate their careers are on the downswing.

Result: Well… sorta? Rivera was great, but Jeter had a down-year with only a .300 average and 69 RBI. I’ll take the wrong on this one though.

4 -   The Seattle Mariners will win the AL West.

Result: Yeah, or maybe they’ll be the worst team in the league.

5 -   Tim McCarver will babble incoherently at some point during every game he covers.

Result: Bingo!

6 -   The New York Mets will win between 97 and 101 games, dominate the NL East and get bounced in the NL Championship Series because El Duque and Pedro have been hospitalized (the last part’s a joke … they’ll make it to the World Series).

Result: Not even close.

7 -   The Los Angeles Dodgers will win the NL West.

Result: Yup (thank you, Manny).

8 -   Francisco Liriano will be unable to duplicate his pre-injury pitching success.

Result: Eh… he was 6-4 with a 3.91 ERA. Wrong again, I suppose.

9 -   The Detroit Tigers will win the AL Central and go directly to the World Series.

Result: ::ahem:: No.

10 -   Instead of renaming themselves, the Tampa Bay Rays should have simply closed up shop for good.

Result: AL pennant. (It should come as no surprise that I said this.)

11 -   The Chicago Cubs will win the NL Central.

Result: Got it.

12 -   Roger Clemens will pitch for the Houston Astros sometime in July and complain about not having enough run support.

Result: Nope… thankfully Clemens has simply fallen off the map.

13 -   The Philadelphia Phillies and the Los Angeles Angles of Anaheim will win their respective Wild Card berths.

Result: No, but both teams made the playoffs. Do I get credit for that? (Answer? No.)

14 -   The New York Yankees will miss the playoffs (and Hank’s head will explode).

Result: Sadly only one of these things happened, but it was the more important one.

15 -   My breakout players: Ryan Zimmerman (NL) and Ian Kinsler (AL).

Result: Zimmerman had a pretty good second-half, but I’m taking full credit because Kinsler has become an elite second baseman.

16 -   Mark Prior will win 15 games for the San Diego Padres, thus confirming that the Cubs are cursed.

Result: Didn’t even pitch, so he’s probably the one that’s cursed.

17 -   George Steinbrenner will be revealed as the true architect of the so-called “Steroids Era.”

Result: Nah… but I wasn’t serious anyway.

18 -   The Florida Marlins attendance for the season will not crack 1.2 million people.

Result: I was close… total attendance last year was a measly 1.33 million.

19 -   Barry Bonds isn’t going to play baseball or go to jail.

Result: Indeed.

20 -   My Cy Young winners: Johan Santana (NL) and Erik Bedard (AL).

Result: None of the awards have been announced yet, but neither of these two will win.

21 -   Until they’ve read this, no one will even realize that the Washington Nationals have a new stadium. (Also, the Nats will lose 90+ games this year.)

Result: 102 losses. Yikes.

22 -   Kerry Wood will blow three saves and then blow out his arm, further confirming that the Cubs are cursed.

Result: Blew six saves, and only missed 15 or so games with a blister. I’m calling this a correct prediction, however, because I was just joshin’ about the injury.

23 -   My Most Valuable Players: Alfonso Soriano (NL) and Manny Ramirez (AL).

Result: The result for this is likely the same as it was for #20 on this list (although Manny may still win the NL MVP).

24 -   At some point Alex Rodriguez will admit to the allegations in Jose Canseco’s new book. (Not the steroids stuff, mind you, but rather about the whole “coveting Mrs. Canseco” thing.)

Result: I’m not sure on the specifics of what I said, but I’m taking a point since A-Rod ended up with Madonna.

25 -   The Tigers will defeat the Mets in the World Series.

Result: Wow. That’s all I got. Wow.

My grade, you ask? Nine correct out of 25 predictions (a whopping 36% success rate.) Not what I had hoped, but at least I can sleep soundly with the knowledge that I got more right than you did. (Which might have something to do with the fact that no one else wastes their time making a lengthy list of outlandish predictions.)

That’s all I got for today. But I leave you with this, Dear Readers: be sure to go out and vote today. If not for yourself or your country, then at least do it for me.

If Someone Writes a Blog and No One Reads it, Is it Written at All?

It’s no secret that I’m wrong all the time. It’s getting to the point, Dear Readers, where I don’t even know why I bother to make bold and definitive predictions at all. Still, it usually doesn’t hurt to be as wrong as I was about the World Series. The fact that the Phillies won is bad enough, but doing it in just five games? That hurts. Now when I travel to Philly to see a game next year, I’ll have to deal with those insufferable phans and all their “we’re the world champions” garbage. Great.

(EDITOR’S NOTE: The author of this site went to bed last night while the Phillies were still winning 2-1. He is unaware that not only did Tampa Bay tie the game, but that the game was postponed until tonight. We here at Juuuuuust a Bit Outside apologize for any confusion.)

While I’m on the topic of things that really grind my gears, just what is going on with the Miami Dolphins? How are they supposed to ensure the number one overall pick if they keep winning games? Sure, it’s a blast spoiling the records of the Bills and Patriots, but just who are they kidding? They aren’t going to make the playoffs, so they might as well do whatever they can to draft a franchise quarterback. And they have a lot of work ahead of them before they can achieve that goal; the Lions and Bengals are both winless. Now there are two teams that have the right idea…

So David Beckham is being loaned to a different country in order to play for a foreign team during the MLS off-season. Does anyone else find it strange that in soccer you can loan your players? It would be like me loaning my fiancée Kennedy out for the entire month of March so that she wouldn’t bother me during the NCAA tournament. Sorta seems like a silly concept. Just another reason why soccer is the lamest sport ever. Except for hockey. And cricket. Who names a sport after an insect, anyway?

Speaking of hockey, did everyone see that sick hockey clip where the one guy hits the other guy into the boards and the glass breaks and people get covered in shards of glass and it goes in their eyes and stuff? Yeah. Me neither.

I’ll spare you a slew of NBA predictions, but I will offer some random generalizations that I’ll probably backtrack on in the coming months. It is my opinion that the New Orleans Hornets are poised to take control of the Western Conference. It’ll be tough and look for my sleeper team of the year, the Houston Rockets, to be right there with them. You should also expect the Los Angeles Lakers, Utah Jazz, and Portland Trail Blazers all to make serious runs at the Western title as well. The Phoenix Suns, San Antonio Spurs, and Dallas Mavericks, three teams who usually have big expectations, will vanish before our very eyes.

The East is a bit more open this year, but I think it’s a safe bet that the Boston Celtics will once again be great and that the Orlando Magic and Philadelphia 76ers should be pretty okay as well. The Cleveland Cavaliers and Detroit Pistons will only be interesting by way of their shamefully disappointing records. The Oklahoma City “Sonic” Thunder will be about as bad as most expansion teams are in their first year (eve though they’re not an expansion team) and Larry Brown will continue to stain his coaching career in Charlotte.

Oh… the New York Knicks will be awful.

And the New Jersey Nets will be even worse.

The Cheesiest Betrayal Ever

I’ve found myself with a bunch of free time these last few days and it’s really gotten me thinking about things. The result of my self-analysis, you ask? I’m wasting my life. Just thought I’d share.

The odd series of events surrounding Cleveland Browns Tight End Kellen Winslow’s illness and suspension has raised a few questions: #1) Why would you suspend someone who has gotten sick as a result of your shoddy facilities? (It has been reported that the Browns have had six cases of staph infections over the last few years. Winslow himself has been infected twice.) #2) What message does this course of action send to your other players? (“Stay healthy or stay home.”) #3) Do you think Kellen Winslow knows Carl Winslow? (And, by extension, Steve Urkel? Or maybe even Urkel’s super-cool alter ego Stefan Urquelle? Sadly, Dear Readers, these are the thoughts that fill my head when I’m alone. My fiancée Kennedy says I should spend less time writing this stupid blog and more time on self-improvement. She might be on to something…)

So let me get something straight: right on the heels of being threatened by PETA for slaughtering an animal and sticking its carcass into a teammate’s locker, Brett Favre is now being accused of giving away the Divine Secrets of the Packers’ Playbook? You mean to say that he’s offering unsolicited gameplan specifics to a division rival of the team he will one day represent in the Hall of Fame? What would Vince Lombardi think? The one flaw in Favre’s plan, of course, is that he chose to be a spy for the Detroit Lions; the only team in the universe that could be handed the other team’s entire offensive playbook and still get blown out 48-25. And just what did he expect in return? A hot tip on the development of Matt Millen’s résumé? (“OBJECTIVE: Seeking employment with an NFL franchise looking to doom its team and fans for a decade underneath a bewildering barrage of wide receivers drafted in the first round. Prefer working for ownership that doesn’t care about winning games or making the playoffs and, in fact, doesn’t even purchase that DirecTV NFL Sunday Ticket package.”) I’ve spent a lot of my time and effort defending Brett Favre’s selfish antics over the years. And by “defending,” I actually mean “pointing out.” Once again, I find him behaving in a way that is best described as indefensible.

But I’m gonna try anyway. (Remember: he’s my starting fantasy quarterback… I gotta keep him happy.) First of all, much like the whole “mutilating an animal” thing, he’s flatly denied the story. Secondly, what in his past makes this whole thing remotely believable in the first place? It’s not like he’s done outlandish things just because the Packers didn’t show him the respect he feels he deser… Okay. That angle might not be helping my case. Maybe it isn’t so easy to defend him, but this particular “Favregate” doesn’t even seem like that big a deal. To my way of thinking, the worst thing he’s done this year was not calling former teammate Aaron Rodgers to encourage him after a shoulder injury, but then going out of his way to call Tony Romo a week later in a similar situation. That was unforgivable. And so were his miserable performances these last two weeks in fantasy. It’s like he knows that I’m starting him…

As you might have heard, the World Series begins tonight as the Philadelphia Phillies travel to the OJ Dome to take on the Tampa Bay (Devil) Rays. I’ll spare you the usual comments about how bad the ratings for this series will be and offer some actual analysis of the teams. (Please contain your excitement; I can’t concentrate with all your gleeful clapping in the background.) As with all baseball predictions, the only factor that truly matters is starting pitching, especially in a short series where the best pitchers can start as often as three times each. It seems clear to me that the Phillies have the edge in pitching with starters such as Cole Hamels, a revived Brett Myers, and the 76-year old Jamie Moyer. Add in Brad Lidge as the closer and that’s an army of killer arms. Tampa’s rotation and bullpen might be deep, but they don’t really have any names that stand out – Matt Garza (who was brilliant in game 7 of the ALCS), James Shields, and the dreaded “closer by committee” in which any one of three men might be found finishing off a game. Their ace, Scott Kazmir (a name that sends chills down my spine even as I utter it today… or type it, as it were), has been feast or famine this month, but was masterful in his last outing despite not factoring into the game’s decision. The best individual pitcher in this series is easily Hamels, Philadelphia’s game-one starter, who has been masterful this post season. There seems to be something about this Devil Rays team, however, that makes it impossible to pick against them. My head tells me that the Phillies will win, but my heart is saying, “Shut up, Head, let’s go get a Ray-hawk!” So it is with a heavy… um… keyboard… that I go against conventional wisdom and even my patented “Logic Factor” to offer the following:

Prediction: Tampa Bay in seven games. (And on an unsolicited side note: I really don’t want the Phillies to win. Like really.)

Giving the Devil Rays Their Due

Did I mention that I am now a Tampa Bay Devil Rays fan? I should have, because I am. Who in their right mind can root for those obnoxious, crimson stockinged fools from title town or their former clown’s current team? And don’t even get me started on the Phillies. So yes, I am officially a Devil Rays fan until the playoffs are over. The only person I’m sure isn’t with me on this is Bud Selig, who is currently in the process of selling his soul in exchange for a Red Sox/Dodgers World Series. Heck, he’d rather don a Barry Bond’s jersey than see the Devil Rays play the Phillies in the World Series. That series would surely be a ratings bonanza. And by “bonanza,” I actually mean… um… “non-bonanza.” (Disclaimer: Before you start with the whole “they’re not the Devil Rays anymore” thing, allow me restate the fact that I refuse to acknowledge the Devil Rays sunnier new nickname. Although I’ll admit that judging by the results of this year’s team, Tampa Bay seems to have exorcized its demons…)

I’m going off the map on this one, Dear Readers, but seeing as how the NHL season just started I think it’s appropriate to make some predictions. I’ll take the New York Rangers over the Boston Bruins in the Stanley Cup Finals. I just think that Wayne Gretzky is too good and Ray Bourque can’t carry title town to another sports championship all by himself. What do you mean “Gretzky and Bourque are retired”? And what does “those teams are in the same conference and therefore can’t play against one another in the finals” mean? Oh well. I guess my hockey knowledge is a bit dated. In all seriousness, however, why does the NHL start its season overseas? Isn’t it the National Hockey League? I know we play baseball and football overseas every now and again, but those sports are already popular here. Shouldn’t Gary Bettman and the NHL worry about expanding its popularity in America before it caters to markets that can’t even cultivate its growth? Just a thought. Feel free to agree.

At the risk of exposing myself as the bandwagon fan that I clearly am: How about MY-ami Dolphins? 2-2! South Beach hasn’t been this fired up since that Will Smith song from ten years ago. Bouncin’ in the club where the heat is on, all night on the beach till the break of dawn… sorry. How about the irony that Bill “Dolphin-Safe Tuna” Parcells signed Chad Pennington on the grounds that the quarterbacks already on the roster weren’t ready to play only to have Chad line up as a wide receiver for most of the game. At least they’re finding ways to win, which is a nice change of pace, however fleeting it may be.

Far be it from me to be calling for anyone to lose his or her job, but Ed Hochuli must be fired. While his dismissal will force me to discard all of my patented “ripped ref” jokes, the list of bad calls he’s made this year is beginning to get long. It’s as though he’s so nervous about blowing one call that he can’t get any right. He resembles a quarterback who won’t throw the ball for fear of an interception, but instead takes a bad sack (and often fumbles anyway). If I screwed up at work as often as he does, then I would’ve gotten laid off alread… wait… never mind…

By a show of hands, does anyone else find it interesting that the only time Tim McCarver makes any sense is when he’s bashing someone? His assault on Manny Ramirez’s effective Boston exit strategy was pointed, clear, and fair. I agree with him completely. The part of his comment that I don’t get is why he can never be any of those things while broadcasting a game. Shouldn’t he have saved his lone moment of logical communication for the three hours when he asked to be coherent? Couldn’t Joe Buck have nudged him and said, “Tim, you’re leaking out the good stuff. At this rate you’ll only have nonsense left for our opening analysis.” I guess at times like this it’s best to reference some of Big Tim’s own words: “I don’t remember saying that, but I know I said it.”

At least we know he’ll never claim he was misquoted.

Chronicles of a Stadium Foreclosed

The Mets didn’t make the playoffs. I’d be disappointed if I weren’t so used to it.

I’m not going to dwell on this for long, but the idea that breaking apart the Mets is the best thing to do seems a bit over the top. And by “over the top,” I actually mean “knee-jerk and psychotic.” While I agree that David Wright and Jose Reyes haven’t exactly been clutch these last few years, they are still far too young to be given up on. On the other hand, we as fans shouldn’t coddle them indefinitely. If they don’t start producing the string of playoff runs that this team (and its payroll, for that matter) warrants, then it’s time to start the fire sale. (Side Note: One of the entries on the Late Show with David Letterman’s “Top Ten Features of the Rejected $700 Billion Bailout” was “a billion dollars to rebuild the Mets bullpen.” I thought that was funny.)

As for some of the Mets upcoming free agents, I think it’s a good idea to bring back Oliver Perez and Carlos Delgado. Perez might be a bit expensive, but a left-hander with his stuff is never a bad commodity to own and Delgado has earned a spot on the team based on his production this year. What I would advocate, however, is that the Mets try to pull off a sign and trade with him. I don’t mean to sound like one of those insane former-Mike and the Mad Dog callers (“Doggie… Doggie… Pavano for Pujols… what’cha think?”), but I think Delgado packaged with a few young players might get us a good starter and maybe even a productive outfielder. If a trade couldn’t be worked out then I wouldn’t mind having him back. As for “interim” manager Jerry Manuel, he seems to be locked in as our manager for next year. The decision makes sense to me if for no other reason than I don’t think there’s much out there better than him. He has the respect of the team (something Willie Randolph never had) and got them to play pretty well during the second half of the year. I wouldn’t sign him through 2015, mind you, but a two-year deal at a reasonable price might turn out to be a steal. Heck, if Omar Minaya has done enough to earn an extension, then Manuel deserves at least a full season.

I was asked to comment on Kurt Warner this week, but the only thing I can think of is how he went from being a bagger at a supermarket to an NFL MVP. Given my career background, his story is endlessly inspiring and instructive about how far you can go solely on talent and perseverance. In regards to his fantasy value after a dozen or so turnovers against the Jets, I’m afraid I have nothing to add (sorry Mikey.) (Another Side Note: One of my fantasy quarterbacks had 45 points last weekend and the other had 12. Guess which one I started?)

Whenever I look at the AFC East standings, the only thing I can think to say is: “But the Bills are terrible.” Maybe they’re not. Don’t forget, Dear Readers, I’m the guy that picked (and has picked for three consecutive years) the Rams to win their division. Clearly anything I say about the NFL is complete hogwash. (Disclaimer: Much of what I say (and write) about anything is complete hogwash. This phenomenon is not restricted simply to my knowledge of the NFL.)

I refuse to get worked up over the destruction of a building (no matter how often I went to it or how much I loved its dingy bathrooms and miserable parking). I wasn’t moved when Yankee Stadium shut its doors and I doubt I’d care very much if they tore down Fenway tomorrow. What I would like to say, however, is that throughout my entire lifetime Shea Stadium has always been the Mets home. It’ll feel weird to say, “We’re going to CitiField” next year. So weird that I might even start calling the new ballpark “Shea,” just for old times sake.

As I left the parking lot after my final trip to the stadium last week, I didn’t get a chance to have that meaningful, prolonged glance that would have been required had my life been a movie. It was almost an afterthought when I did finally look back from Northern Blvd. and see the stadium; a big purple eyesore with glow in the dark stick figures on its sides. It wasn’t the Friendly Confines nor was it The House That Ruth Built. The names of the legends that called it home don’t resonate in the way other legends do and the most memorable moment inside its gates is a concert, not a baseball game. No other place could inspire fierce defensiveness against its detractors and yet shared ridicule amongst its patrons.

That’s what Shea Stadium was to anybody who ever laid their eyes on it: that dump in Queens that belonged to the city’s second favorite team and actually looked the part. But what it lacked in glamour, it made up for in charm.

And that’s how I choose to remember it.

Victims of Their Own Stupidity

Far be it from me to tell people what should or should not offend them, but Tony Kornheiser’s innocuous remark on Monday night was meant to be a shot at his own inadequate comprehension of Spanish and not any ethnic stereotype. To be honest, I’m not sure how one could possibly misconstrue his comment as being insensitive. Even if you think he’s the worst announcer on the planet (which most people seem to), accusing him of being insulting the one time he doesn’t mean to be seems like a cheap shot. (And this is coming from me – The King of Cheap Shots. If I’m telling you to back-off, then it’s probably a good idea. Although I should add the disclaimer that my opinions on all-things Kornheiser tend to be biased.)

Speaking of Monday Night Football, everyone who’s anybody has been bashing DeSean Jackson for dropping the ball in celebration before he actually… you know… scored. So I’ve decided to give him a break. And by “give him a break,” I actually mean “pile on.” It was sad to see that anyone could be that dumb. Until ESPN starting showing that high school clip of Jackson fumbling the ball while attempting to cartwheel into the endzone, at which point the situation went from sad to hilarious. At least what Leon Lett did years ago was due to a combination of foolishness and Don BeeBe’s speed. (Side Note: Remember how fast BeeBe was on Madden ‘94? If you were controlling the Bills, he was an automatic touchdown on kick returns.) This repeat offender is merely a victim of his own stupidity. And talk about declining creativity… the first time he robbed his team of a touchdown he was doing something acrobatic and impressive. This last time he just dropped the ball.

Jackson is not alone, however, in his boneheadedness (probably not a word). What were the two nearby Cowboy defenders – which included inmate #21, Pacman Jones – thinking about when they decided not to jump on the ball? You’d figure that someone named “Pacman” would’ve gobbled that ball up as though a blue ghost were chasing him (see what I did there?). And while we’re at it, why did the referees blow the whistle in the first place? It was clearly a fumble and they stopped the play far too soon. (This seems to be a growing epidemic. See below for more on that.) So you see what Jackson’s idiocy caused? A chain reaction of moronic events that would make even our commander in chief ashamed of its occurrence (that’s right, I went there).

(Extended Side Note: This entire debacle is reminiscent of a something I experienced while playing quarterback during a game of touch football. I had eluded a defender in the backfield (after a rather quick 5-Mississippi count, I might add) and dodged two others before ducking out of bounds at the first-down garbage can. Needless to say, I was pounding my chest and loudly proclaiming myself “MVP.” It was then explained to me that quarterbacks were only allowed to scramble if the defender had blitzed. The result? A loss of a down as well as a tiny piece of my short-supplied dignity.)

It’s nice to see that Chad Pennington has picked up the Miami Dolphins offense so quickly:

1. Take snap from center.
2. Fumble.
3. If you haven’t fumbled yet, take the standard three-step drop.
4. Await sack.
5. If you haven’t been sacked yet, throw it to the other team.
6. If possible, make tackle on opposing cornerback before he scores.
7. Once whistle has blown, aggressively take off your chin strap in disgust.
8. Walk back to sideline as you yell at your receivers for running the wrong route.

Resuming the blunder portion of this post, ripped-ref Ed Hochuli made a call so bad on Sunday that it will likely cost him any chance of officiating a playoff game this winter. We all agree that the call was awful, the interpretation of the rule stinks, and the Chargers got hosed. What I don’t agree with it is all the “experts” who say, “Hochuli made a mistake, but he’s still one of the best officials out there.” Based on what? There are only a bunch of head referees (the ones who get airtime to announce the calls) in professional football, so what quantifiable measure can we (the viewing public) or they (the media) have of determining which ones are good and which are bad? You know why they say that? Because Ed Hochuli is one of the few officials everyone knows because he has distinct visible characteristics (i.e. his guns). It would be like me saying that Steve Jabby is a better NBA official than Dick Bavetta because Jabby has better hair. (Which, while true, hardly seems fair.)

Lastly, let me clarify something for you: this year’s Mets collapse is nowhere near as big a disaster as last year’s. While it will be disappointing if they don’t make the playoffs, they never had the same type of divisional lead this year and were all but forgotten at the midway point of the season anyway. Furthermore, the Wild Card is still a real possibility. So at least wait until our next shut-out loss to the Nationals before you close that coffin. And don’t worry… you won’t have to wait too long…