The Streaking March of Ludicrous Lingo

Did you hear that rumor that I just started? Apparently this offseason the Knicks are trading their first round pick for Michael Redd and are then going to send David Lee to Memphis for Mike Miller. These roster moves will make them the first team to ever start five overpaid, overrated Shooting Guards. The saddest part of this completely bogus rumor is that the occurrence of something similar is a mathematical certainty. They’re a joke of a franchise. Whenever someone as pathetic as I am feels pity, it’s a bad sign. So … not good for the Knicks…

Real quick: If you block the plate in spring training, expect to get plowed over. If you cleat someone at second base, expect to get jumped and then suspended. If you have to go to a full-count against a 60-year-old comedian before striking him out, expect to get released.

Let’s be clear, Dear Readers, winning 22 straight of anything is impressive. (I often brag to Kennedy about my 16-game winning streak at 13 Dead End Drive from a few years back. As remarkable as that is, I cannot even begin to fathom how hard it would have been to win 22 consecutively.) While the Rockets recent dominance may very well be an aberration, it wouldn’t surprise me at all if they go to the finals given the way that they’re currently playing. Just for the record, I predicted this run correctly after Yao Ming went down. And by “predicted this run correctly,” I actually mean “was way off when I said they were done.” If the season ended today, Tracy McGrady is my MVP. (Disclaimer: I am not actually permitted to vote for the NBA’s MVP award … supposedly it has something to do with me not having any worthwhile opinions.)

On the topic of crazy streaks, Tiger Woods is ridiculous. I don’t follow golf as closely as I’d like to, but this guy is clearly not human. I may give him a nod as a half-human/half-robot (called a “cyborg” for all you non-geeks out there), but that’s the best I can do.

(On a side note, golf isn’t a sport, no matter how “Now” Tiger might be. It’s a game that is actually closer to being an activity. Any event that allows one to smoke and drink in between plays cannot be a sporting event. In this way, golf is as much a sport as poker is, even to the extent that both feature ludicrous lingo such as “bogey,” “flop,” “check-raise,” “caddy” and the stunningly indistinct “mulligan,” for which there appears to be no legitimate origin.)

Lastly, I’m told that today is the start of that whole “March Wackiness” thing. I won’t give my picks yet (as though you care), but will solicit your picks either via comments on this page or e-mail (if you are one of the lucky few privy to my e-mail address. You can view the brackets at http://www.nationalpost.com/380144.bin. We’ll have a little blog-centric pool with no money involved. Could be fun. Or (and this is more likely) the 12 or so of you who read this will not leave any comment at all and will disregard this post almost immediately after reading it. Far be it from me to say that much like the greatest thinkers and artists of any era, I am unappreciated in my time. But what I will say is that I am as yet uncompensated for my greatness. So please participate in my makeshift NCAA pool by … if not for me, then at least out of your adoration of me.

And I’m still waiting for that callback, Mr. Tony … whenever you’re ready…