Clairvoyance and the Wrath of You-Know-Who

Allow me to make something perfectly clear, Dear Readers: The only Yankee I want to hear talking about thongs is Derek Jeter describing the wardrobe of whichever “Sexiest Women Alive” he’s currently dating.

I’ll not gloat about my perfect second round NBA predictions (largely because I’ve been humbled by how badly I fared in the first round). That being said, I think it’s clear that I am or at least should be your one and only stop for continued clairvoyance. So for the Conference Finals, let’s go with the Lakers and Celtics both winning in 7 games. That was easy enough… and it saves me the trouble of typing a separate sentence for each series.

And I’ll bet Mick D’Antoni is thrilled that he chose to coach the Knicks instead of the Bulls right about now…

As you might have heard by now, Mike Piazza has officially retired from baseball. I won’t belittle him by observing that his talent retired two seasons ago. I’ll even resist the temptation to note that all 30 general managers in the Major Leagues (and a few in Japan, I’ll bet) passed on him this season. No… he deserves better than that. Very simply, Piazza is a first-ballot Hall of Famer (likely as a Met, but possibly as a Dodger) and arguably the greatest hitting catcher of all time. I’ll be proud to see number 31 displayed on the wall at CitiField.

A quandary for you: If a player hits a homerun and there isn’t an umpire around to see it, is it still a homerun?

Since this is shaping up to be a rather thin post, I’ll share some of my random brain candy with you. And by “thin” and “brain candy,” I actually mean “boring” and “ramblings,” respectively. Having long ago taken up the hobby of analyzing the English language, I often marvel at the level of verbal manure spewed during post game interviews. If you’ve never stopped to investigate some of the things that are said, here are a few of my favorites you can use at the water cooler tomorrow:

• “I just tried to stay within myself.” Meaning what, exactly? That you resisted the temptation to tear your skin off? To loose your soul from its Earthly constraints and allow it to flow freely throughout the arena? Maybe I’m being too literal, but I’m not even sure how this one even got started.
• “I gave it all I had out there.” Really? And yet you still had enough in the tank to break out the lamest interview cliché of all time. Congrats for that.
• “We’re just taking it one game at a time.” Hmmmmm… and here I thought that most players attempted to play every game simultaneously. This saying should follow Mike Piazza’s example and simply retire.
• “I didn’t try to do too much.” This is similar to the “within myself” line except the message here is to do just enough to get by, but never offer any additional effort.
• And my favorite (or most hated, depending on how you look at it): Any athlete who begins his answer by saying “first and foremost.” This may seem like an innocuous start, but my problem is that it’s usually followed by “I’d like to thank God.” Anytime an athlete thanks God, I say four things to myself (or out loud, if there’s an audience):

#1 – “So God’s an [insert winning team’s name here] fan.”

#2 – “I knew that pass interference call in the endzone seemed too divine to have been made by Ed Hochuli alone.”

#3 – “God must’ve bet the over.”

And #4 – “Oh God…”

Far be it from me to comment on anyone’s religious beliefs, buy there are places built specifically for this sort of overt worshipping. They’re known collectively as, get this, places of worship. Sporting events and nationally televised interviews are not the proper settings for discussing something as personal as one’s religious beliefs. (Here’s a side note while I’m at it: Stop mentioning God on the “Thank You” page of your CD booklet… it’s so 1992.) Furthermore, the concept that God is concerned with your game is a sign of arrogance, not devotion. Believe me when I tell you that God has bigger things than the fate of a sports team to worry about. Unless, of course, if you’re the Cubs. God hates the Cubs.