Sorry, Willie, This Time It Tolls for Thee…

Do you think Tim Donaghy had the Celtics giving 40 points to the Lakers last night? If so, he lost.

Without mentioning that I correctly predicted the outcome of the NBA Finals, I’d like to comment on how it was easily the most uneventful championship series in recent memory. All that “Lakers/Celtics” hype turned out to be was a “tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury signifying nothing” … or something like that. The only competitive game was horribly played and all the other games were either blowouts in which the trailing team made a late comeback or … well … blowouts minus the comeback. That being said, it was nice to see Kevin Garnett with a trophy (even though his post-game interview was completely insane and chock full of butchered White Heat quotes … “Mom! Top of the world! Made it!”). Logically, the next order of business is deciding whether or not they can repeat next year. Of course it’s possible, but with the Eastern Conference improving (all of their playoff teams might even have winning records next year!), it’s hard to put them as the clear-cut favorites. But I’ll do it anyway.

I may get nailed for this one, but didn’t it seem convenient that Tiger Woods would only grimace when he knew someone was watching? How he would fall to the floor in agony and then jog briskly to the pin whenever the camera was pointed away for a moment? I know what you’re thinking: “But there are always cameras on Tiger so wouldn’t he have had to keep the charade up for the duration of the tournament?” The answer, Dear Readers, is “yes.” And keep it up he did. This tactic is reminiscent of when I would feign an ankle injury during an Ultimate Frisbee game and then explode toward the endzone at the most opportune moment. So congratulations, Eldrick. Not for winning another major, but rather for lulling your opponents (and the American people) into a false sense of security before going in for the kill. A “rope-a-dope” for the 21^st century.

If you were going to fire the manager of an underachieving team, which of the following seems like the more logical time to do it: A) after getting swept by the worst team in the National League or B) after taking three out of four games from competitive American League teams? Far be it from me to tell any general manager or owner how to run a professional baseball franchise. What I’ll suggest, however, is that saying Omar Minaya and the Wilpons mishandled this situation would be a gross understatement. It’s a comical mishap laughable enough to spark visions of Omar, Fred and Jeff all wearing roller blades and juggling a “Willie Doll” back and forth while that silly piano music from silent films plays in the background. In a way, it almost reminds me of the Yankees’ treatment of Joe Torre. To a lesser degree, maybe, but Torre was emasculated by the Steinbrenner Clan and now the act has been photocopied just a borough or two over. It looks very bad and might even be poor form, but the move had to be done. At the risk of perpetuating a cliché, they can’t fire 25 players, but they can dump a manager and a couple of coaches.

Speaking of coaches, how did Rick Peterson end up in the guillotine next to Randolph? So maybe his spiritual philosophy is a bit out there (tree-huggin’ hippie, much?) and the pitching staff has underperformed this year, but in the recent past, he’s made successes out of a bunch of “throw-in pitchers” (defined as pitchers received in trades in which they weren’t the focal player). I don’t have any stats on this (because that would require research), but the obvious ones are Oliver Perez and John Maine, who both had 15 wins last year. He also had a hand in squeezing every possible win out of Tom Glavine over the last few years and Mike Pelfrey has started to show progress. And he was partially responsible for the brilliant decision to send Scott Kazmir to Tampa Bay in exchange for Victor Zambrano. Okay, fine … that alone should have gotten him fired years ago. But maybe not yesterday…

And now I’ll turn my steely gaze upon those members in the Mets fan community who have proclaimed vociferously: “I am ashamed to be a Met fan today.” Really? Ashamed? Get a hold of your life, will you? If the actions of people whom you will never meet are capable of causing you “shame,” then there’s a serious problem. To give you a comparative personal example, when my fiancée Kennedy does something idiotic in public, I don’t say to her, “I’m ashamed to be engaged to you.” I may break out with one (or more) of the following: “Get away from me,” “you make me sick” or “I never want to see you again,” but “ashamed”? Never. Hyperbolic statements like the ones spewed yesterday make me (you ready?) ashamed to be a Mets fan.