I Avoid Hyperbole 150% of the Time

I have miserable news, Dear Readers: My fantasy team is in shambles. My franchise quarterback – the same quarterback I am obligated to root against most of the time – has suffered a nasty-looking, season-ending knee injury. That’s right, my number one draft pick was Tom Brady and now he is merely clogging up the “Injured Reserve” portion of my bench. The worst part of this situation, you ask? My back-up QB is Brett Favre… and you all know how I tend to feel about him.

Since this terrible injury, all I’ve been hearing are overblown proclamations about how the Patriots’ season is over. But before the other two competitive teams in the AFC East can count the Patriots down and out, there are a few things that they must keep in mind. (Side Note: I said there were only two other competitive AFC East teams because the Dolphins more closely resemble an orange and aqua doormat than they do a football team.) For starters, I’m not sold that Brett Favre can carry the Jets mediocre offense for the whole season. At some point opposing defenses are going to realize that he’s about to call his patented “run around like a decapitated chicken and then hope to find someone open in the end zone” play for the tenth straight down. Secondly, the Bills stink. They do. I know that they won last week. I get that. Now name their quarterback for me. Go ahead. I know you can. Stuck? Fine. Name any of their other players. Not so easy is it? The Bills will be where they always are in December: watching the playoffs on their couches as they proudly announce that they’re “the best 7-win team in the league.” And finally, who says the Pats are done? Sure, their best player went down, but maybe he was just a product of an ingenious system that has afforded him the opportunity to improve upon his individual skill over the years. Maybe Matt Cassel is this year’s Tom Brady. It could happen. So while I no longer have the Patriots achieving a perfect season, I still have them coasting to an AFC East title with 12 wins.

I think I speak on behalf of right-thinking people everywhere when I say, “Goodnight, Yankees… thanks for stopping by.” (Disclaimer: In most cases, I speak on behalf of left-thinking people, but that wouldn’t have made sense in this context. Sorry for the confusion.)

I came awfully close to getting my US Open predictions correct. Jelena Janković made it all the way to the finals before getting trounced by Serena Williams (who regained the number one ranking by doing so). What this proves is that when the Williams sisters are committed to playing tennis year-round, they are still the best two players in the game. On the men’s side, I (finally) got a prediction right as Roger Federer locked up his fifth consecutive US Open title. To all those people who said that Federer was done, how can a year that includes three Grand Slam final appearances (and one win) be a failure? I know Federer usually wins three Slams a year, but give me a break. If Andy Roddick had a year like Federer’s 2008, people in this country might actually care about men’s tennis. As it stands, however, Roddick’s best skill seems to be making tons of money based on hype he can’t fulfill. (It sounds like a cheap shot, I know, but it’s true…)

In other news, Billy Wagner is gone for at least a full calendar year and, to be very honest, he’s probably already blown the last save of his career. That sort of injury on an arm that throws as hard as his does isn’t exactly a winning combo. And while the wound from that roster loss is still fresh, the recent Mets success is certainly doing a good job of numbing the pain. (Not that I can actually watch any of the games anymore. Stupid Philadelphia cable… I’m forced to watch that silly ESPN GameCast. You know… that thing on the internet that looks like a baseball video game from the 80s. Sort of drains the drama out of a ninth-inning Carlos Beltran grand slam or a diving catch by Endy Chavez…)

Speaking of the Mets, my preseason prediction of a big Carlos Delgado year is beginning to take shape. And by that I actually mean, “Who in the heck expected to see this kind of production out of that guy?” Where would the Mets be without him? Third place, that’s where. If he can get his average up above .270 and keep it there, he has a legitimate shot at winning the National League’s MVP award. And that would be the single oddest development in the history of the world. Hyperbole. Gotta love it.

I’m not sure with what degree of scrutiny you people examine Tennessee Titan-news, but this Vince Young saga is getting pretty strange. Allow me to recap it for you: Odd Event #1 – At the end of last year, it was reported that Young had considered retiring. Odd Event #2 – During the season opener last Sunday, Young was booed by his hometown fans for performing poorly and was subsequently injured. Odd Event #3 – Young vanished from his home, prompting his mother to call Titans’ head coach Jeff Fisher and express her concerns regarding her son. Odd Event #4 – Once found, Young convinced everyone that he was fine and it was all just a misunderstanding. Odd Event #5 – Young’s mother told local media that her son needed a little more love.

I’ll try to avoid mocking young Young, but regardless of how convincing he was to the Titans, he must have some personal issues. The things he’s complaining about (by maturely using his mother as a mouth piece) are all things that come with the territory of being a superstar athlete in America. I don’t want to make light of his (or his mother’s) complaints, but his sixth-grade guidance counselor should’ve warned him about the personal and professional pressure he’d encounter if he someday found himself getting paid millions upon millions of dollars to throw a ball around a field. Had he received that advice, perhaps he would have chosen a different career like… oh, I don’t know… editing a pen and pencil catalog? As it stands, however, he is an NFL quarterback and must either adjust to a fair amount of unfair treatment or follow Daunte Culpepper’s path and retire long before his talent does.