Victims of Their Own Stupidity

Far be it from me to tell people what should or should not offend them, but Tony Kornheiser’s innocuous remark on Monday night was meant to be a shot at his own inadequate comprehension of Spanish and not any ethnic stereotype. To be honest, I’m not sure how one could possibly misconstrue his comment as being insensitive. Even if you think he’s the worst announcer on the planet (which most people seem to), accusing him of being insulting the one time he doesn’t mean to be seems like a cheap shot. (And this is coming from me – The King of Cheap Shots. If I’m telling you to back-off, then it’s probably a good idea. Although I should add the disclaimer that my opinions on all-things Kornheiser tend to be biased.)

Speaking of Monday Night Football, everyone who’s anybody has been bashing DeSean Jackson for dropping the ball in celebration before he actually… you know… scored. So I’ve decided to give him a break. And by “give him a break,” I actually mean “pile on.” It was sad to see that anyone could be that dumb. Until ESPN starting showing that high school clip of Jackson fumbling the ball while attempting to cartwheel into the endzone, at which point the situation went from sad to hilarious. At least what Leon Lett did years ago was due to a combination of foolishness and Don BeeBe’s speed. (Side Note: Remember how fast BeeBe was on Madden ‘94? If you were controlling the Bills, he was an automatic touchdown on kick returns.) This repeat offender is merely a victim of his own stupidity. And talk about declining creativity… the first time he robbed his team of a touchdown he was doing something acrobatic and impressive. This last time he just dropped the ball.

Jackson is not alone, however, in his boneheadedness (probably not a word). What were the two nearby Cowboy defenders – which included inmate #21, Pacman Jones – thinking about when they decided not to jump on the ball? You’d figure that someone named “Pacman” would’ve gobbled that ball up as though a blue ghost were chasing him (see what I did there?). And while we’re at it, why did the referees blow the whistle in the first place? It was clearly a fumble and they stopped the play far too soon. (This seems to be a growing epidemic. See below for more on that.) So you see what Jackson’s idiocy caused? A chain reaction of moronic events that would make even our commander in chief ashamed of its occurrence (that’s right, I went there).

(Extended Side Note: This entire debacle is reminiscent of a something I experienced while playing quarterback during a game of touch football. I had eluded a defender in the backfield (after a rather quick 5-Mississippi count, I might add) and dodged two others before ducking out of bounds at the first-down garbage can. Needless to say, I was pounding my chest and loudly proclaiming myself “MVP.” It was then explained to me that quarterbacks were only allowed to scramble if the defender had blitzed. The result? A loss of a down as well as a tiny piece of my short-supplied dignity.)

It’s nice to see that Chad Pennington has picked up the Miami Dolphins offense so quickly:

1. Take snap from center.
2. Fumble.
3. If you haven’t fumbled yet, take the standard three-step drop.
4. Await sack.
5. If you haven’t been sacked yet, throw it to the other team.
6. If possible, make tackle on opposing cornerback before he scores.
7. Once whistle has blown, aggressively take off your chin strap in disgust.
8. Walk back to sideline as you yell at your receivers for running the wrong route.

Resuming the blunder portion of this post, ripped-ref Ed Hochuli made a call so bad on Sunday that it will likely cost him any chance of officiating a playoff game this winter. We all agree that the call was awful, the interpretation of the rule stinks, and the Chargers got hosed. What I don’t agree with it is all the “experts” who say, “Hochuli made a mistake, but he’s still one of the best officials out there.” Based on what? There are only a bunch of head referees (the ones who get airtime to announce the calls) in professional football, so what quantifiable measure can we (the viewing public) or they (the media) have of determining which ones are good and which are bad? You know why they say that? Because Ed Hochuli is one of the few officials everyone knows because he has distinct visible characteristics (i.e. his guns). It would be like me saying that Steve Jabby is a better NBA official than Dick Bavetta because Jabby has better hair. (Which, while true, hardly seems fair.)

Lastly, let me clarify something for you: this year’s Mets collapse is nowhere near as big a disaster as last year’s. While it will be disappointing if they don’t make the playoffs, they never had the same type of divisional lead this year and were all but forgotten at the midway point of the season anyway. Furthermore, the Wild Card is still a real possibility. So at least wait until our next shut-out loss to the Nationals before you close that coffin. And don’t worry… you won’t have to wait too long…