The Cheesiest Betrayal Ever

I’ve found myself with a bunch of free time these last few days and it’s really gotten me thinking about things. The result of my self-analysis, you ask? I’m wasting my life. Just thought I’d share.

The odd series of events surrounding Cleveland Browns Tight End Kellen Winslow’s illness and suspension has raised a few questions: #1) Why would you suspend someone who has gotten sick as a result of your shoddy facilities? (It has been reported that the Browns have had six cases of staph infections over the last few years. Winslow himself has been infected twice.) #2) What message does this course of action send to your other players? (“Stay healthy or stay home.”) #3) Do you think Kellen Winslow knows Carl Winslow? (And, by extension, Steve Urkel? Or maybe even Urkel’s super-cool alter ego Stefan Urquelle? Sadly, Dear Readers, these are the thoughts that fill my head when I’m alone. My fiancée Kennedy says I should spend less time writing this stupid blog and more time on self-improvement. She might be on to something…)

So let me get something straight: right on the heels of being threatened by PETA for slaughtering an animal and sticking its carcass into a teammate’s locker, Brett Favre is now being accused of giving away the Divine Secrets of the Packers’ Playbook? You mean to say that he’s offering unsolicited gameplan specifics to a division rival of the team he will one day represent in the Hall of Fame? What would Vince Lombardi think? The one flaw in Favre’s plan, of course, is that he chose to be a spy for the Detroit Lions; the only team in the universe that could be handed the other team’s entire offensive playbook and still get blown out 48-25. And just what did he expect in return? A hot tip on the development of Matt Millen’s résumé? (“OBJECTIVE: Seeking employment with an NFL franchise looking to doom its team and fans for a decade underneath a bewildering barrage of wide receivers drafted in the first round. Prefer working for ownership that doesn’t care about winning games or making the playoffs and, in fact, doesn’t even purchase that DirecTV NFL Sunday Ticket package.”) I’ve spent a lot of my time and effort defending Brett Favre’s selfish antics over the years. And by “defending,” I actually mean “pointing out.” Once again, I find him behaving in a way that is best described as indefensible.

But I’m gonna try anyway. (Remember: he’s my starting fantasy quarterback… I gotta keep him happy.) First of all, much like the whole “mutilating an animal” thing, he’s flatly denied the story. Secondly, what in his past makes this whole thing remotely believable in the first place? It’s not like he’s done outlandish things just because the Packers didn’t show him the respect he feels he deser… Okay. That angle might not be helping my case. Maybe it isn’t so easy to defend him, but this particular “Favregate” doesn’t even seem like that big a deal. To my way of thinking, the worst thing he’s done this year was not calling former teammate Aaron Rodgers to encourage him after a shoulder injury, but then going out of his way to call Tony Romo a week later in a similar situation. That was unforgivable. And so were his miserable performances these last two weeks in fantasy. It’s like he knows that I’m starting him…

As you might have heard, the World Series begins tonight as the Philadelphia Phillies travel to the OJ Dome to take on the Tampa Bay (Devil) Rays. I’ll spare you the usual comments about how bad the ratings for this series will be and offer some actual analysis of the teams. (Please contain your excitement; I can’t concentrate with all your gleeful clapping in the background.) As with all baseball predictions, the only factor that truly matters is starting pitching, especially in a short series where the best pitchers can start as often as three times each. It seems clear to me that the Phillies have the edge in pitching with starters such as Cole Hamels, a revived Brett Myers, and the 76-year old Jamie Moyer. Add in Brad Lidge as the closer and that’s an army of killer arms. Tampa’s rotation and bullpen might be deep, but they don’t really have any names that stand out – Matt Garza (who was brilliant in game 7 of the ALCS), James Shields, and the dreaded “closer by committee” in which any one of three men might be found finishing off a game. Their ace, Scott Kazmir (a name that sends chills down my spine even as I utter it today… or type it, as it were), has been feast or famine this month, but was masterful in his last outing despite not factoring into the game’s decision. The best individual pitcher in this series is easily Hamels, Philadelphia’s game-one starter, who has been masterful this post season. There seems to be something about this Devil Rays team, however, that makes it impossible to pick against them. My head tells me that the Phillies will win, but my heart is saying, “Shut up, Head, let’s go get a Ray-hawk!” So it is with a heavy… um… keyboard… that I go against conventional wisdom and even my patented “Logic Factor” to offer the following:

Prediction: Tampa Bay in seven games. (And on an unsolicited side note: I really don’t want the Phillies to win. Like really.)