McNabb Must’ve Thought It Was a No-Tie Affair

Well, Dear Readers, the unthinkable is finally about to happen… After fifteen years of work and millions of dollars in expenses, Guns N’ Roses will finally release their Chinese Democracy album next Tuesday. Music lovers rejoice.

By a show of hands, was anyone else painfully amused by the call (or lack-thereof) at the end of the Steelers/Chargers game? No one else? Just me? Here’s a quick recap: The Chargers needed a miracle so they call that lame “hook and ladder” play where you throw the ball all over the place and hope that the Stanford Band runs onto the field and creates enough of a diversion for you to score. (Side Note: It’s not called “hook and lateral,” either. That’s a misunderstanding of the phrase’s origin, which has its roots in spelunking. Look it up if you don’t believe me.)

Anyway, the ball gets knocked down and hippie-haircutted Troy Polamalu dives on it for a touchdown. Or did he? A series of odd explanations then occurred. It went something like this: “We still have to attempt the point-after.” [Both teams line up for an extra point attempt. The referee once again triggers his microphone.] “On second thought, we’re gonna review this thing for seemingly no reason.” [He reviews.] “As it turns out, there was an illegal forward pass on the play. That penalty has been declined. The play results in a touchdown.” [Raises his arms in the air, signaling a touchdown. Pause.] “Check that. Since the non-illegal backward toss that occurred after the illegal forward pass hit the ground, the play is actually dead.” [At this point, it appears that the referee is about to signal “touchdown” again, but instead he just grabs the bill of his cap as if to say, “Yikes… really screwed the pooch on this one.” He turns his mike on again.] “Since there is no time left, the game is over.”

And what does it all matter, you ask? A bunch of degenerate gamblers lost some money because that meaningless touchdown would’ve made the Steelers cover the spread. To my way of thinking, they should just be quiet about it. It serves them right for gambling in the first place. (Although had my fantasy team been affected by that play, someone would’ve gotten hurt.)

I’m gonna go off a little bit here, Dear Readers, and it’s about the concept of the Most Valuable Player in sports. Albert Pujols won the National League’s version of this award the other day. His team, the St. Louis Cardinals, finished fourth in their division and were about as close to making the playoffs as I am to being a billionaire. He might be the most valuable player on his team, but his team stunk, so who cares? Isn’t the award supposed to be given to be the most valuable player in the entire league? If you take away Pujols from the Cardinals and replace him with, say, me, I’m pretty sure they would stink just as badly. Take someone like Aramis Ramirez off of the Cubs and they don’t even come close to winning their division. (In fact, taking Aramis Ramirez off of the Cubs might actually cause the Cardinals to win that division.) The MVP in all sports should come from a team that either made the playoffs or at least seriously contended for a spot. My vote this year would’ve been for Manny “ManRam” Ramirez, who single handedly carried a mediocre Dodgers team into the playoffs.

It looks like the Mets won’t be resigning Pedro Martinez this off-season. To which I say, “Adios, Pedro. Thanks for the four good months you gave us over the last three years.”

Maybe I’m just being a know-it-all again (something I’ve become notorious for), but how in the world can a professional football player not know that it is possible for a game to end in a tie? I’m sure you’ve all heard that after the Eagles and Bengals played to a draw last Sunday, Philadelphia quarterback Donovan McNabb commented that he was unaware games could end this way and expressed concern over what the reaction would be if a Super Bowl or playoff game ended in a tie. Well, Donnie, playoff games can’t end in a tie, so I’m not too worried about that. What does worry me, however, is that someone getting paid millions of bucks to play this game never bothered to learn its rules. I have never played football on any level above the “bunch of losers playing in a park level” and even I knew this. Aren’t you expected to know the ins and outs of the profession you’re in? Let’s say you work at Taco Bell, isn’t it in your best interest to understand what time the restaurant – and I use that term loosely – closes so you don’t make too many of those cinnamon twist things? And it doesn’t matter to me that 50% of the league doesn’t know this rule (as Ben Roethlisberger later suggested). It’s still embarrassing. Don’t they ever check out the standings in a newspaper? Do they ignore that little “T” next to the “L” in the record column? Shouldn’t they strive to discover what it stands for? Just my opinion. Feel free to agree.